inspired

In light of my previous entry, I have decided that my newest money-making venture will be to write a romance novel called, "The Duke, Me, and My Kidney Stone: A Love Story." It will be an instant best-seller.

why?

I was at CVS looking for a Mother's Day card and ran across a romance novel called "Pregnant by the Greek Tycoon." I was first horrified, then confused. Why do people think pregnancy is romantic? Are they nuts? Don't they know pregnancy makes you fat and nauseous and results in you having to squeeze a PERSON out of your body? I'm not saying motherhood is not beautiful, I'm just saying that a romance novel shouldn't be about pregnancy. It's about as romantic as a kidney stone, except imagine that the kidney stone sticks around forever and makes you feed it for 18 years.

comedy

Comedy is the only acceptable way to express anger, sadness, and heartbreak. The world is a tough audience.

things i don't appreciate

I don't appreciate my face traveling back in time to 1995, when it was bursting with 13-year-old hormones. That's my melodramatic way of saying that I am breaking out, and it's annoying.

i heart conan

A high schooler apparently wrote Conan O'Brien to ask him to be her prom date, and he wrote her back, saying he would love to but his wife would be pretty mad at him. I love Conan. He is so much cooler than Rider Strong.

(No, I never asked Rider to prom, but only because I was 12. Otherwise I totally would have).

exCUSE ME??

In Britain, they are going to start monitoring car speeds from space to issue speeding tickets. Few things could make me more relieved to be American.

sick

I haven't written anything in a week because my brain is not functioning properly. I've been coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and congested for almost two weeks now, and it has literally made me too stupid to put words together into a coherent sentence. Last night, I had this horrifying thought--what if I am actually blowing my brains out through my nose? Gross, I know, but it totally explains why my IQ seems to have dropped by half.

another battle lost

I have been fighting with my alarm clock all morning, and, as usual, the alarm clock won. One day, I will best you, you squawking beast.

my mother the lawyer

For the past few weeks, my mother has been calling me and asking me urgent questions like, "When you said your height minimum was 6 feet, did you mean 5 foot 6?" and "Have you considered living in Philadelphia?" Then she tells me about some random Korean doctor or dentist who is "dying to meet you." I keep telling her no, and she keeps saying, "Okay," but then calling me and asking if I've changed my mind.

Finally, one day I asked her, where are you finding these dudes?

She paused. "I have a friend," she said.

Suspicious, I asked, "Is this a friend you PAY?"

She answered, "If a friend of mine HAPPENED to introduce you to a man, and you HAPPENED to marry him, then she is a good friend, and I would give that friend some money for her good friendship. Say, for example, a thousand dollars."

Which is basically gibberish that means "I signed you up for a Korean match-making service and am pimping you out to Korean doctors." It was an incredibly lawyer-like answer, and suddenly my choice in profession all made sense.

cookies

I recently read a diet book that convinced me that I am two types of baboons: 1) the type that will die because they eat too much sugar (thereby triggering my genes to make me reproduce quickly and kill me so that my offspring, which still carry my genes, will have more food to eat), and 2) the type that die because they work too hard for their food (i.e. run marathons, which tells my genes I'm a low-ranked baboon that has to struggle to eat and causes my genes to store fat and yet again try to kill me). So I've cut out all sugar from my diet to become a better baboon. All of this is just to say that I miss cookies. I really miss cookies.

inner stalker

I admit, I was born with stalker-like tendencies. When I was 12, for example, I wrote 10 letters to my favorite teen actor, Rider Strong from "Boy Meets World." The letters said things like, "I like Boyz II Men, do you like Boyz II Men? I'm a Libra--did you know that Libras and Sagittariuses get along?" Years later, Rider and I ended up going to the same college, but by that time I was way over him. I always wanted to go up to him, though, and ask, "Why didn't you ever answer my letters?" Just to scare the shit out of him because it would have been hilarious.

Now, I'm 27, and the inner stalker has been beaten out of me over the years (consistent humiliation is truly the best way to destroy your inner stalker). Even if you asked me to stalk someone I actually gave a crap about, my body would physically refrain because it actually knows that doing so can only end in pain. Every now and then, though, that inner stalker will stir when a third party beckons, and I am always stunned at how easily the skill returns. Recently, for example, I had a friend who needed to find out about an ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Within seconds, before she even asked me to do it, and almost subconsciously, I had found pictures of the new girlfriend, knew her location and highest level of education, and could faithfully report that my friend was way hotter. The fact that I was able to do that makes me grateful to all of the Rider Strongs of the world for equipping tweens the world over with the stalking-skills they will one day need to fulfill their duties as good friends.

love

There is no greater love in the universe than the love a dog has for his ball.

cleaning lady gone wild

My friend came home to find this amazing note from his cleaning lady:

I just want let you know that, your apart NOW is always a mess and very dirty. We understand you have a dog and roomate, but, really, the apart should be more organized. We so sorry but, we cant do the cleaning by $80 anymore. We together spending 4 hours working hard and we have no time to clean other things like... windows, baseboards, laundry machines, etc... so to do a good job as before, we are raising you from $80 to $100. But, if you agree keep the apart more organized and less dirty, the price can be the same. If not, you are free to decide about! Together, our limit of time working at your apart cant be more than 3 hours. Please think about and let us know as soon as possible!

P.S. we have many americans clients and they dont leave the apart this way, only you!

the price of $100 not is included DISHES never!

My favorite line is, of course, the part about how they have many American clients who don't leave their apartments this way, "only you!" Which is hilarious because I am pretty sure by "American," they meant "white," and neither person living there is white. Once you get a cleaning lady, though, you're pretty close.

wtf???

This is the freakiest, weirdest, awesomest shit I have ever seen. Why is Lady Gaga so insane and so genius at the same time? Favorite lines: "You know what they say...once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger," and "Let's make a sandwich!"

improvement

Only one cookie for breakfast today. Success!

EDIT: After writing the above, I drove to work where I had another cookie, chocolate, and candy. Fail.

unggh

I ate two cookies for breakfast, and now I feel sick. Why does my body still act like this? Why won't the five-year-old living inside of my stomach demanding strawberry milk just die?

indescribable horror

My mother tried to buy this statue for our house. My sister, showing wisdom beyond her years, sent me an emergency text message to get me to stop her. Thankfully, we were successful, but I think of what-might-have-been and shudder.

doppelganger

My sister accidentally dropped her cell phone and watched our mother run over it with her car. Some things are hereditary.

dog

P.S. Having a dog is about as awesome as I thought it would be.

btw

Just so everyone knows, I got those wings.

wtf

HOW CAN ONLY THIRTY MINUTES HAVE PASSED???!!

morning sucks!

I woke up at 6 am craving 1) Hooter's hot wings and/or 2) pizza, except NOTHING IS OPEN UNTIL 11 AM! What is the point of having mornings? So stupid.

sigh

I miss traveling. I miss new clothes. I miss money.

how to change a flat tire (reprise)

Last year, I tried to teach myself how to change a flat tire one night when I was home alone, bored. This week, when I actually got a flat tire on my way to work, my brain scrambled to remember that video I had found so many months ago. I couldn't remember a thing. Luckily, as it turned out, I didn't need to, because changing a flat tire is very simple. All you have to do is six things:

1) Pull over to side of road.
2) Get out of car.
3) Get out car manual.
4) Get out spare tire and car jack.
5) Look perplexed.
6) Get out of way as random man offers to change tire for you.

Took ten minutes. No training video necessary.

sex robot

Unbelievable. How is this not the creepiest thing in the universe? Also, if you're going to make a sex robot, don't you think you should make her a little hotter?

denial

Friend: "That's because you're a commitmentphobe."
Me: "What? No I'm not. I just want to be sure before I go all-in. And if I'm not sure, I'd rather not go in."
Friend: "Uh, that's what a commitmentphobe is."

destiny

Last night, my mother finally slammed the last nail into the Korean-mother-cliche coffin when she called me and told me she had set me up on a blind date with a Korean doctor.

dental bankruptcy

This morning, I went to my dentist for a check up, ignoring every instinct in me that was screaming, "Doooon't goooooooo!!!" Last year, my visit resulted in two root canals and two crowns--one of the main reasons I am broke. This year?

One cracked tooth, one potential root canal, and three crowns.

Guiltily, I slunk off to work and proceeded to shoot accusatory glances at the chocolate dish in the office across the hallway. As I mulled over my dental and financial dilemma, I thought about all of the chocolate I ate at work everyday and contemplated killing the skinny co-worker who keeps them in her the office. Seriously, who brings chocolate to work anymore? NEWSFLASH: WE HAVE AN OBESITY EPIDEMIC IN AMERICA. Find another way to make your co-workers love you.

Ready to make a change for the sake of my teeth and my wallet, I Googled "chocolate tooth decay" to educate myself on the effect of chocolate on teeth. Only to my surprise, I didn't find articles lamenting the damage chocolate does to your teeth--instead, I found a string of articles asserting that chocolate fights tooth decay. Of all sweets, chocolate is apparently the least likely to cause cavities. Pure joy!!! So now I'm satisfied. Sure, my teeth may fall out by the age of 40 and cost me millions of dollars, but at least I'll know that it wasn't my fault. In the end, that's all that matters.

unpacking

"Thou shalt unpack," said the Lord.

"Later," I replied.

neck wrinkles

"Oh my god!" my mother exclaimed as I picked up the phone.

"What?" I asked.

"I just saw this picture of a woman wearing a beautiful dress," she said. "And I thought about how beautiful you would look wearing the dress except then I thought, not if you keep slouching the way you do when you're using your laptop because you will get NECK WRINKLES. Have you been to necklineslimmer dot com?"

"...No," I said carefully. "Mom I don't have time for this right--"

"Go to that site! You don't have to buy it, just watch the information video to see how bad neck wrinkles can be. Listen, you have to start sitting up straight. I can't sleep at night thinking about you getting neck wrinkles!"

a toast to living alone

This weekend is my last weekend of living alone, something that I have both hated and loved. There is something about living by yourself that is uncomfortable. It's not just the loneliness or the fact that you have to do all of your chores alone. It forces you to confront yourself during moments when there are no distractions, no other personalities to play off of, and sometimes, what you see at the core isn't pretty.

Then again, you also inevitably surprise yourself to find out that you are sometimes stronger than you thought, more independent than you thought--happier than you thought. For me, well, I'm surprised to realize that I'm going to miss the solitude. That's why I took the opportunity to savor my last weekend of living alone. No guests, no going out to escape the silence. Just me, sitting on my couch, doing things that I wouldn't brag about to anyone else: eating junk food, letting the dishes pile up, painting my toenails, and crying my eyes out while watching vintage episodes of my favorite soap opera.

It was a triumph.

[P.S. RIP Stone, and SONNY AND BRENDA FOREVER]

praying

Dear God,

Please let us get this apartment!!!

UB

accomplishments

My to-do list for today:

clean house
do laundry
watch youtube clips
sweep yard
relax
look for apartments
nap

The way I see it, 3 out of 7 is not bad.

lust

I want the 2010 Toyota Prius. I would marry a rich old man tomorrow to get it. I only ask that he be past the age of 90 and have a heart condition. Thank you.

decade fire ceremony

There were a lot of things that really blew about this decade. It was ten years of bad decisions, self-doubt, uncertainty, terrorism, questionable location changes, heartbreak, self-pity, broken friendships, over-analysis, alcohol induced black-outs, bad diets, melodrama, and George W. Bush. Who knows if this next one will be any better? But no matter how the next ten years go, I will always remember that I started it burning away my past regrets, sitting around a raging fire with amazing friends. It's a good start.