inner stalker

I admit, I was born with stalker-like tendencies. When I was 12, for example, I wrote 10 letters to my favorite teen actor, Rider Strong from "Boy Meets World." The letters said things like, "I like Boyz II Men, do you like Boyz II Men? I'm a Libra--did you know that Libras and Sagittariuses get along?" Years later, Rider and I ended up going to the same college, but by that time I was way over him. I always wanted to go up to him, though, and ask, "Why didn't you ever answer my letters?" Just to scare the shit out of him because it would have been hilarious.

Now, I'm 27, and the inner stalker has been beaten out of me over the years (consistent humiliation is truly the best way to destroy your inner stalker). Even if you asked me to stalk someone I actually gave a crap about, my body would physically refrain because it actually knows that doing so can only end in pain. Every now and then, though, that inner stalker will stir when a third party beckons, and I am always stunned at how easily the skill returns. Recently, for example, I had a friend who needed to find out about an ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Within seconds, before she even asked me to do it, and almost subconsciously, I had found pictures of the new girlfriend, knew her location and highest level of education, and could faithfully report that my friend was way hotter. The fact that I was able to do that makes me grateful to all of the Rider Strongs of the world for equipping tweens the world over with the stalking-skills they will one day need to fulfill their duties as good friends.