goodbye dog

The dog I wanted was finally adopted by a family who adopted him and his kennel mate. I guess that worked out for the best. Sigh.

Being sick is so lame when there is no one around to pity you.

sick

I am getting sick. Why did this have to happen in the middle of worldwide hysteria about a flu pandemic?

swine flu

This weekend, I got multiple calls from my mother informing me that:

1) My sister apparently wants to be a singer, and my mother would like me to disabuse her of this insanity immediately, and

2) My mother is very concerned about the swine flu and would like me to get a flu shot, even if that shot does not in any way prevent swine flu.

She also reminded me to continue telling myself everyday that I am 52 kilograms so that eventually, my words will become a reality.

dick

PLEASE SHUT UP DICK CHENEY NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU

rushed

I was so excited to eat this piece of tangerine that I forgot to chew it and swallowed it whole.

war

After various amazing developments, it seems that I will be able to get that dog after all. The problem is, I contacted the rescue and they told me that they had taken him to an adoption exhibition this morning, and a family had been extremely interested him.

Now, I know that a nice person would just want the dog to be happy and be okay with the result either way. But then I remembered that I am not a nice person. I want that dog! So I am hoping *really really* hard that it doesn't work out for them.

why you should always fill your brita

Yesterday, after I came back from a sweaty, salty morning run, I headed straight for my shower so that I wouldn't kill my co-workers with my body odor. Unfortunately, the faucet sputtered in indigestion and yielded nothing. There was no water. For about ten minutes, I was in denial, so after staring at my tub for awhile, I went around my house, turning the dials for my kitchen sink, my bathroom sink, and my dishwasher. Nothing. No water except the sweat that was still pouring out of me. I thought, "I think I've had this nightmare before."

I debated my options. I could go to work smelling disgusting. I could jump in our tiny apartment pool. I could go to a friend's house and shower and show up at work an hour late. None of these options appealed to me. "But I have to at least brush my teeth and wash my face!" I told myself. So I began to eye the toilet, and IMMEDIATELY DISMISSED THAT IDEA. That's when I remembered I had a Brita water filter. It was a gamble though because sometimes I am too lazy to refill it. Luckily, it turned out that I had filled it the night before. So I spent about twenty minutes taking a mini-shower with my Brita pitcher. I don't think we will look at each other the same way ever again.

As a side note, my water is back on this morning, but there is no hot water. I love this apartment.

major progress

I am 100% certain that my sun lamp is working. This morning, on my morning run, I had incontrovertible proof. Usually when I run, my face is like this -_- because I have usually just rolled out of bed and am still half asleep. Today, though, my face looked like this ^o^ because I could not stop gasping with laughter. The reason I was laughing was because I watched a bunch of Margaret Cho clips last night, and I could not stop thinking about her saying, "I had no idea that I was this GIANT FACE TAKING OVER AMERICA!!! HERE COMES THE FAAAAAAAAACE!!!"

I'm sure everyone I ran past thought I was totally crazy, since I had my mouth open in silent laughter for half of my run. "I'm not crazy," I wanted to shout after them. "I just own a sun lamp!" But I couldn't, of course. I was too busy laughing to say anything to anyone.

career options

Tonight, I met a Scottish bartender at a bar, except he wasn't working there, he was drinking. He's been a bartender for 15 years and he's loaded. He even owns horses that he keeps at the same stables that Jennifer Aniston keeps hers at (apparently she has a horse). He was at the bar with his Scottish mom who was named Bunny, and they bought us drinks and gave us chocolate.

That is awesome. I want to be a Scottish horseback riding bartender who goes to bars with his mom named Bunny. Clearly I chose the wrong profession. I mean, I can't even afford a horse. What's the point of being a lawyer if you don't have a horse? I don't even have a dog.

jaywalker

On my way home from work tonight, I drove past the scene of an accident--a man was hit by a car. I'm not sure who I felt worse for, the driver or the man lying in the street. After all, hitting a pedestrian is every L.A. driver's worst nightmare (albeit also their secret fantasy).

The really shocking thing, though, was that as I turned the corner on a detour, I saw a man in the same intersection actually jaywalking across the street. Are you deranged? That's like--

I spent 20 minutes trying to think of an analogous act of stupidity, but I couldn't. That one is one of a kind.

confusion part 2

I don't understand where the weekend went.

confusion

1. Can someone explain to me why I am seeing the word "pirates" in the current headlines constantly, and they don't involve a big picture of Johnny Depp's face?

2. Why don't people who are selling their used crap on craigslist realize that they are selling used crap and charge accordingly? A reasonable price for used goods is *not* half the price you paid for, jackasses. Your shit is used. You sell that stuff for under $50 like you're supposed to. If I see one more ad that says, "IKEA BOOKSHELF! Selling for $150! Paid $300 for it. Only 3 years old, and already assembled!" I'm going to explode. Unless I am the one selling it, in which case, half-price is totally fair.

3. Today, there were ten people in the pool in my apartment. The pool is tiny--about 6 feet by 10 feet. My friends have always made fun of how tiny it is. I want to know how they all got in there--I didn't even know that ten people could fit in it.

4. Every time I call my parents, they are out doing something, like hiking or hanging out with their friends. How do my parents have more of a life than I do? They're supposed to be calling me when I'm busy, not vice versa. I do not like this role reversal.

dreams

In my dream last night, I couldn't fit into my dress, so I cried. Even in my dreams, I have mental issues.

sigh

A sun lamp is great, but it's no Asian mom. I miss my mom.

for the fans

I know all three of you who follow my blog are DYING to know:

I got my sun lamp.

finger exhaustion

On my work laptop, I use the fourth finger on my right hand to scroll down pages using the mouse touchpad. My finger is literally screaming from the pain. This will be my new barometer for measuring whether I work too much.

random rants

Guy who has the parking spot next to mine:
Please stop parking so close to the line. My spot is between your car and a large thick pole, and if you don't start leaving enough room for me to be able to park successfully within 15 minutes, I am going to ram my car into yours.

Mom:
Please stop calling me back immediately when I don't pick up my cell phone. If I'm not picking up, it means I am in the middle of something, and the thing you should NOT do is call again and again until I pick up. Especially if it's just to tell me to buy vitamin C.

Online Television:
Tonight, a Friday night, all of my friends canceled on me, so I started looking forward to an awesome night of doing my taxes, eating Lean Cuisine, and watching last night's TV online. All of the shows were reruns. You let me down, online television.

Amazon:
Send me my sun lamp IMMEDIATELY.

light therapy

Lately, I've had a hard time getting up in the morning and have been in a lousy mood in general. Rather than attribute this flawed behavior to my own inherent laziness and overanalytical self-absorption, I have decided to blame it on the fact that I don't get enough sunlight (in my defense, I do work in a windowless office). That is why I just bought this awesome sun lamp that tricks your brain into thinking you're in the sun.

I am convinced that once I get that lamp, I will wake up earlier, have more energy, and become a pleasant person to be around again. One reviewer even said it helped with weightloss. Clearly a miracle product. My friend points out that I live in Los Angeles, where the sun never sets, and no longer in Cambridge, where the sun goes to die. Thus, she says, it is highly unlikely that lack of sunlight is my problem. She is probably correct. But I am choosing to ignore her because I want to believe that spending fifty bucks on this lamp will solve all of my problems.