family

My father's brother lives out in Los Angeles, but he and my father were not on speaking terms for a long time. After I moved out here, they finally reconciled, and they saw each other for the first time in 16 years last month, when my parents came to visit me. It was great--suddenly, I had an aunt and uncle right around the corner. So tonight, my aunt and uncle invited me over for dinner. I was a little nervous about going over there alone because, though we're related, they are basically strangers to me. It's hard to know how to act--you can't be too polite, but then you can't be too familiar either.

Luckily my uncle took care of that real quickly. Ten minutes into the dinner, he said, "So, tell me--how did you get to be so fat?"

Ah, Uncle. You really are family. I told him my mom had sent me a weight-loss hypnosis book, and he was appeased.

uterine vaccine

My mother called me to see if I had gotten "that vaccine, the one for your uterus."

"What?" I asked. "What are you talking about?"

"You know, the vaccine for your uterus."

The major problem here was that I did not understand the Korean word for uterus, and she did not know the English word for uterus, so we were throwing out random English organ names (ovary? liver?) until she finally explained that it was "the Baby House."

"Ohhhh, the uterus," I said. "There's a vaccine for your uterus???"

"It's new," she said. "Everyone is getting it. You have to get three shots. You should go get it, I'm going to make your sister get it too."

"Do you mean the HPV vaccine?" I asked.

There was a pause. "What's HPV?"

"It's an STD," I said.

"AN S-T-WHAT???" she screeched. "They said it was for your UTERUS!"

I didn't tell her whether I had gotten the vaccine or not. I think it's better this way.

sixth finger

It's sort of like being born with a sixth finger and being tortured everyday by how horrible it looked on your hand and finally getting it cut off when you were old enough and then missing it and tricking yourself into thinking you shouldn't have cut it off and then buying a fake sixth finger because you missed it so much and then looking at your freakish hand and realizing yet again that you actually hated that sixth finger and being unable to wait to return the piece of crap so you can go back to having five fingers again.

parental visit

1) I have been ordered to get married by next year.

2) My mother walked down Hollywood Blvd., stepping on every star in the Walk of Fame and read the name of the person in the star out loud.

3) My father keeps asking me to take him to Beaverly Hall or Beverly G. I think he means Beverly Hills, but I'm not entirely sure.

4) My sister is only interested in buying Lay's Flaming Hot potato chips and sitting at home singing along to the songs on her laptop.

5) Every suggestion I make is "too expensive," including a noodle place that charges $8 a bowl. They shoot down every tourist idea I have, including the Griffith Park observatory, the beach, Disneyland, and Runyon Canyon. Then they complain that I'm not showing them around.

I missed my family.

legally large

My mother called me three times while I was at an awesome, record-setting Dodger game to let me know that she is sending me weight-loss pills. Last time she sent me weight-loss pills, they were non-FDA approved and from Canada. Hopefully, she'll do better this time.

all asians sounds alike

I just had a really confusing phone conversation with my mom. 15 minutes into the call, she finally said, "Wait. Who am I talking to?"

"What?" I said.

"Oh, it's YOU," she said. "All this time, I thought I was talking to your sister."

At least it explained why she kept telling me that I slept too much and needed to clean my room. I was starting to think she was psychic.

swine flu

This weekend, I got multiple calls from my mother informing me that:

1) My sister apparently wants to be a singer, and my mother would like me to disabuse her of this insanity immediately, and

2) My mother is very concerned about the swine flu and would like me to get a flu shot, even if that shot does not in any way prevent swine flu.

She also reminded me to continue telling myself everyday that I am 52 kilograms so that eventually, my words will become a reality.

boundaries

My mother called me at 2 pm while I was at work. I assumed that it must be something important, because why else would she call me when she knew I was working. In fact, she was calling me to remind me of two things: 1) that I need to moisturize, and 2) that I scrunch up my face when I talk and this can cause wrinkles.

I would sit her down to have a talk with her about boundaries, but I don't know how to say "boundaries" in Korean, and I suspect that is because it doesn't translate. After all, this is the woman who never understood why I got mad at her when she used to "clean" my room for me.

jjajangmyun

Answering machine message from my family:

Mom: Hi honey! It's your mom. Are you there? You there?
Dad: [in background] She's not there. Hang up, she's not there.
Mom: Guess what we're eating? Jja--
Sister: [in background] JJAJANGMYUN!
Mom: Jjajangmyun. Well, we were just calling to see how you were doing because we miss you. Call us back when you get a break and--
Dad: [in background] Tell her not to drink.
Mom: What are you talking about. She's studying these days, she's not drinking.
Dad: [in background] Don't drink! Only one beer! [grabs phone] Hey, it's your dad. Listen, if you're going to drink, fine, but definitely don't smoke.
Sister: [in background] Don't drink either!
Dad: Okay? No smoking. Drink only one drink.
Mom: [in background] This jjajangmyun is soooo good!
[BEEEEP]

fashion victim

This morning, at the ungodly hour of 9:40 am (it is ungodly on a Sunday, since we all know what happens on Saturdays), my cell phone rang. Obviously when I picked it up, it had "Family" flashing, because who else would call at such an inhumane time. I pushed "ignore" and tried to go back to sleep. 30 unsuccessful minutes later, I grabbed the phone and called my family back (can we be clear that they live in a timezone three hours ahead of me, so these transgressions are frequent). My little sister answered.

"Which one of you jerks called me," I mumbled.

"...it was me," she squeaked.

"What is it," I barked.

"...Just wanted to know what kind of shoes went with a leather jacket."

(sigh)

my weirdo mom

There's this spot just under my left shoulder that has been killing me for a few weeks now--it feels like there's a pebble stuck under the shoulder blade. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of whining about it to my mother, who whipped out her acupuncture kit and proceeded to stick 20 needles in me. Then she decided she was bored and might as well stick some in herself, so she stuck about ten needles in the back of her neck.

Also, I made three pumpkin pies today, and she made me walk with her to our neighbors' houses so we could leave the pies on their doorstep and run away. Then, when we were just far enough to be out of earshot, she would call them on her cell phone and say, "Hiii! We just left you a pie at your front door. Merry Christmas!" As soon as the neighbor poked their head out of the door to get the pie, she would wave frantically to make sure they saw us.

It's like I always manage to convince myself that all of my teenage angst was self-created, and I really had no problems. Then, I come home for a visit, and I remember that there was a reason I was messed up. My mom is just weird. Really, really weird.

Merry Christmas, all.