bacterial love

"Haven't you read the studies? Bacteria need love too."

~ my mom

best gift ever

My mom and sister got off the plane and handed me something amazing: a giant bag of Chick-fil-a. There is nothing more a girl could ask for.

the cure for awkwardness

Lawyers are an awkward bunch. But the most amusing are those who try to be cool about being awkward. They like to point out the awkwardness in a situation because it makes them feel a little less stupid, even if doing so usually worsens the situation. "It's awkward, but I know that already," they are reassuring us, "and if I say it first, I can pre-empt your judgment of me." A typical situation is, for example, when two people first meet at a bar.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Silence.

"Well. This is awkward."

Now they have diagnosed the situation, creating the illusion that *they* are not usually awkward. But in fact, they must be, else why would they feel prompted to point out awkwardness and increase the discomfort in the first place?

labels

"What is a beer bottle? It's just a label. Dump out the beer, pour in water, stick a flower in there, and what happens? It becomes a vase."

- my mom

why we need lawyers

After a year of loud monster sex, dog deprivation, doormat dog shit, police raids, and laptop theft, I am finally moving out of this god-forsaken apartment. Naively, I sent my property manager an email, letting her know I was moving out and asking if she needed anything from me. Of course, I received no reply. That was when I realized that I keep operating as if people in the adult world have common decency towards each other. They don't. I can't just casually tell her I'm moving out, or else she will ignore it and suddenly stun me on my way out next month with the news that I still haven't given formal notice and must therefore pay an extra month's rent. No, to avoid that, I have to send her a formal letter, and luckily since I'm a lawyer, I know how to write one.

This experience has made me remember all over again why my profession exists. It's because the older we get, the more we have to use fancy language to act like giant babies to each other. "I don't want to live here anymore" doesn't count. It has to be, "Please be on notice that I will be terminating my tenancy and vacating this unit on a date that is 30 days or more from the date of this notice." All of that legal gibberish just to say, "Peace out, bitches." Ours is truly a noble profession.

i'm possible

[in mixed Korean and English] "'Impossible' is just a word. Put an 'apo--apotrope'? 'Apostrophe'? Stick an 'apostrophe' in there, and what do you get? 'I'm possible.'"

"Can a big bowl fight with a little bowl? The big bowl wins only when it surrounds the little bowl in a hug."

- my mom

serious dilemma

I am so so thirsty. But I don't want to get off the couch. Why is life so hard?

it can be done

Got to the airport at 6:55 for a 7:30 flight. Made it on the plane in time, without cutting in line and without killing the excruciatingly slow old couple in front of me in the security line. I have superpowers.

ninja assassin

Last night, my family and I did something we haven't done together in twelve years--we went to see a movie. As you can imagine, since my parents don't really speak English, there is nothing more boring for them than to be trapped in a theater in front of a loud movie that doesn't have Korean subtitles. They made an exception, though, for Ninja Assassin, a movie that stars Rain, one of Korea's most famous pop stars. My parents were fascinated by the idea that he would speak English in the film. My sister and I, on the other hand, were going to check out his hot bod.

Since my dad is a fan of action films, he was especially excited to watch the movie, right up until the first fifteen minutes, when he realized that our beloved Korean pop icon was playing a Japanese character. "Why is he pretending he is Japanese?" he demanded.

I explained to him that white people thought all Asians looked alike, and in Hollywood inter-Asian casting happened all the time.

"You mean they can't tell us apart?!" he barked.

My poor dad. Here he was, looking forward to a blood-letting action film, and he ended up too distracted by Rain being Japanese and food coma to enjoy himself. My sister and I, on the other hand, got what we went there for. Rain is smokin'.

breaking up over the phone/email

I just wanted to note that I am actually in favor of the above methods. People always complain that "s/he didn't even do it in person!" but really, would that have made it better? Think of how awkward it is for the dumper--they have to make plans with you to see you in person, which means they have to act like nothing is wrong, and then they have to say those excruciatingly awkward words that must ultimately convey, "I just don't like you anymore." Afterwards, they have to sit there uncomfortably as you cry. Is that really better?

No. Email and phone are the way to go. It's easier, it's quicker, it's less awkward, you don't have to see each other after it's over with, and best of all, it gives the person who was dumped a chance to say, "I'm not upset about the *break up*, I just can't believe s/he did it over the phone!" It's perfect. You're planting in the dumpee that first seed of blame, helping them realize, in fact, *you* were the deficient one, and they deserved better, which is what they need to move on anyway. Trust me. You're doing them a favor. Take one for the team.