the cure for awkwardness

Lawyers are an awkward bunch. But the most amusing are those who try to be cool about being awkward. They like to point out the awkwardness in a situation because it makes them feel a little less stupid, even if doing so usually worsens the situation. "It's awkward, but I know that already," they are reassuring us, "and if I say it first, I can pre-empt your judgment of me." A typical situation is, for example, when two people first meet at a bar.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Silence.

"Well. This is awkward."

Now they have diagnosed the situation, creating the illusion that *they* are not usually awkward. But in fact, they must be, else why would they feel prompted to point out awkwardness and increase the discomfort in the first place?

joe the douchebag

Today, I punched Joe Lieberman in the face, except I didn't. But I sure wish I had.

alumni

I met a guy who went to my undergrad. He was enthralled that he had run into a former classmate. "Didn't you think it was hard at first to adjust to leaving that academic environment?" he asked. "I mean, at school, you could always have an intelligent conversation with someone about the Odyssey or Herodotus, but the rest of the world isn't like that." He then took a sip of his White Russian.

"No," I said. "But I do think you are a huge douchebag."

Except I didn't say it, but I definitely thought it really loudly.