my mother the lawyer

For the past few weeks, my mother has been calling me and asking me urgent questions like, "When you said your height minimum was 6 feet, did you mean 5 foot 6?" and "Have you considered living in Philadelphia?" Then she tells me about some random Korean doctor or dentist who is "dying to meet you." I keep telling her no, and she keeps saying, "Okay," but then calling me and asking if I've changed my mind.

Finally, one day I asked her, where are you finding these dudes?

She paused. "I have a friend," she said.

Suspicious, I asked, "Is this a friend you PAY?"

She answered, "If a friend of mine HAPPENED to introduce you to a man, and you HAPPENED to marry him, then she is a good friend, and I would give that friend some money for her good friendship. Say, for example, a thousand dollars."

Which is basically gibberish that means "I signed you up for a Korean match-making service and am pimping you out to Korean doctors." It was an incredibly lawyer-like answer, and suddenly my choice in profession all made sense.

cookies

I recently read a diet book that convinced me that I am two types of baboons: 1) the type that will die because they eat too much sugar (thereby triggering my genes to make me reproduce quickly and kill me so that my offspring, which still carry my genes, will have more food to eat), and 2) the type that die because they work too hard for their food (i.e. run marathons, which tells my genes I'm a low-ranked baboon that has to struggle to eat and causes my genes to store fat and yet again try to kill me). So I've cut out all sugar from my diet to become a better baboon. All of this is just to say that I miss cookies. I really miss cookies.

inner stalker

I admit, I was born with stalker-like tendencies. When I was 12, for example, I wrote 10 letters to my favorite teen actor, Rider Strong from "Boy Meets World." The letters said things like, "I like Boyz II Men, do you like Boyz II Men? I'm a Libra--did you know that Libras and Sagittariuses get along?" Years later, Rider and I ended up going to the same college, but by that time I was way over him. I always wanted to go up to him, though, and ask, "Why didn't you ever answer my letters?" Just to scare the shit out of him because it would have been hilarious.

Now, I'm 27, and the inner stalker has been beaten out of me over the years (consistent humiliation is truly the best way to destroy your inner stalker). Even if you asked me to stalk someone I actually gave a crap about, my body would physically refrain because it actually knows that doing so can only end in pain. Every now and then, though, that inner stalker will stir when a third party beckons, and I am always stunned at how easily the skill returns. Recently, for example, I had a friend who needed to find out about an ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Within seconds, before she even asked me to do it, and almost subconsciously, I had found pictures of the new girlfriend, knew her location and highest level of education, and could faithfully report that my friend was way hotter. The fact that I was able to do that makes me grateful to all of the Rider Strongs of the world for equipping tweens the world over with the stalking-skills they will one day need to fulfill their duties as good friends.

love

There is no greater love in the universe than the love a dog has for his ball.

cleaning lady gone wild

My friend came home to find this amazing note from his cleaning lady:

I just want let you know that, your apart NOW is always a mess and very dirty. We understand you have a dog and roomate, but, really, the apart should be more organized. We so sorry but, we cant do the cleaning by $80 anymore. We together spending 4 hours working hard and we have no time to clean other things like... windows, baseboards, laundry machines, etc... so to do a good job as before, we are raising you from $80 to $100. But, if you agree keep the apart more organized and less dirty, the price can be the same. If not, you are free to decide about! Together, our limit of time working at your apart cant be more than 3 hours. Please think about and let us know as soon as possible!

P.S. we have many americans clients and they dont leave the apart this way, only you!

the price of $100 not is included DISHES never!

My favorite line is, of course, the part about how they have many American clients who don't leave their apartments this way, "only you!" Which is hilarious because I am pretty sure by "American," they meant "white," and neither person living there is white. Once you get a cleaning lady, though, you're pretty close.

wtf???

This is the freakiest, weirdest, awesomest shit I have ever seen. Why is Lady Gaga so insane and so genius at the same time? Favorite lines: "You know what they say...once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger," and "Let's make a sandwich!"

improvement

Only one cookie for breakfast today. Success!

EDIT: After writing the above, I drove to work where I had another cookie, chocolate, and candy. Fail.

unggh

I ate two cookies for breakfast, and now I feel sick. Why does my body still act like this? Why won't the five-year-old living inside of my stomach demanding strawberry milk just die?

indescribable horror

My mother tried to buy this statue for our house. My sister, showing wisdom beyond her years, sent me an emergency text message to get me to stop her. Thankfully, we were successful, but I think of what-might-have-been and shudder.

doppelganger

My sister accidentally dropped her cell phone and watched our mother run over it with her car. Some things are hereditary.