screwing up kids

Yesterday, as I was assembling my coffee table, I slipped while I was screwing in one of the legs. Consequently, I cut my finger on the edge of the table. So I did the obvious thing that a person living alone would do. I screamed, "FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU SCREWDRIVER! FUUUUUUCKKKKK!" Then I was embarrassed at how loud I was, and I was briefly terrified that one of my neighbors would call the cops, and then I would have to sheepishly explain that the only domestic violence going on in my house was between me and my screwdriver.

That's when I realized I need to learn to control my anger, even though I live alone. Because one day, that screwdriver will be one of my kids giving me a cut on my finger. And while the screwdriver can take it, I would really rather not scar my kids in a moment of heated, albeit justified, anger.

things i don't give a shit about

Profiles rarely ask us what we are NOT interested in, which I think is unfortunate, since I am relatively certain the things we don't care about reveal as much if not more about us than the things we do care about. For example, I don't give a shit about:

- Sports (except on rare occasion basketball)
- Law firm salary raises and/or bonuses
- American Idol
- Zach Efron and anything High School Musical related
- Rick Warren speaking at Obama's inauguration
- Twilight
- Watchmen, both the movie and the graphic novel (worst thing I have ever read, so overrated)
- Blackberries, iPhones, iPods, and any other gizmos designed to fill voids in life
- Birds, especially pigeons
- Cars
- Designer handbags
- Angelina Jolie

Now you know everything there is to know about me.

nuts

Nuts fascinate me. First, it is amazing that so much deliciousness can be squeezed into such a small package. Second, everything about nuts is good. The buttery taste, the hard-soft crumbly texture, the crunchy mute they add to enhance just about any dish (spicy noodles, soups, stir-fried chicken, banana sundaes, brownies, salads). They are hard enough to throw at people but not so hard that any real harm would be caused. Unless you're allergic, in which case you would probably die (no matter--all good things come with a price).

But what I really wonder is who was the genius who thought to pop a nut into their mouth in the first place. After all, at first glance, there is no way to tell how delicious a nut is. They don't have an intense smell the way fruits and meat do. They're pretty hard to the touch, so the first person to chomp down was surely risking the loss of a molar. Sure, squirrels eat them, but they also eat bugs, so that shouldn't be a green light. Whoever s/he was, they were clearly far advanced beyond their years.

I am obviously studying for something.

monsters

It's a new year, and my second night sleeping in my new apartment. No matter how much you prepare before you move in somewhere, there are somethings you just won't find out about a new place until you've lived there. Case and point--I have discovered that the ceilings and walls are very thin. Consequently, I can hear a lot of what is going on upstairs. And judging from the sounds, either a terrifying monster lives above me and eats children and has loud monster sex at night, or a young couple lives up there with a baby who likes to be chased around by someone making monster noises. Either way, one thing is certain--they are all wearing shoes made of cement.

Luckily, I am not all that bothered by noise. I lived above a karaoke bar in Washington Heights once. If I can fall asleep to the sound of drunken Irish men slurring the words to Elvis Presley songs, I can fall asleep to anything.

fashion victim

This morning, at the ungodly hour of 9:40 am (it is ungodly on a Sunday, since we all know what happens on Saturdays), my cell phone rang. Obviously when I picked it up, it had "Family" flashing, because who else would call at such an inhumane time. I pushed "ignore" and tried to go back to sleep. 30 unsuccessful minutes later, I grabbed the phone and called my family back (can we be clear that they live in a timezone three hours ahead of me, so these transgressions are frequent). My little sister answered.

"Which one of you jerks called me," I mumbled.

"...it was me," she squeaked.

"What is it," I barked.

"...Just wanted to know what kind of shoes went with a leather jacket."

(sigh)

money

Could someone just give me a million dollars? It would really solve all of my problems in life.

unrequited love

I was reviewing the bajillion entries in this blog and hiding most of them (just to clean up), and I discovered that about 40% of them were of me bitching about the weather in Cambridge. I hated the weather in Cambridge, apparently. I hated it so much that I moved to sunny Los Angeles to get away from it, even though Los Angeles did everything possible to try to keep me out.

The reason I mention this is because I am here, finally, in Los Angeles, and I would like to note, for the record, that it is freezing.

i can't let the terrorists win!

I'm blogging again. Because I effing love effing blogging.

If you think I am crazy, talk to my middle finger.

what is power?

Power is plunging through a four inch puddle in your rain boot.

how things should be

My eight-year-old cousin is visiting my family from Korea, and she is wise beyond her years. Yesterday, she solemnly told me, "There's this boy at our school, and he's a big sleaze. He goes out with so many girls. I mean, don't you think you should only like one person instead of liking everyone? Anyway, he went out with my best friend for awhile, which really surprised me. I was like, 'Do you like him?' and I thought she would say, 'No, he's a dirtbag!' but instead she said, 'A little,' and then they went out. Then it turned out that he was going with someone else too. So we hunted him down and beat him up. Then she dumped him."

It's brilliant.