a message to the former vice president

Dear Dick Cheney,

Shut the fuck up.

- UB

temptation

I have been wondering why I feel such severe revulsion towards seeing Twitter and Kindle advertised all over the place in recent weeks, and I have finally figured it out. It's actually a revulsion I am quite familiar with--I had the same revulsion towards facebook, and the same towards blogging. It's the kind of revulsion that is coupled with the knowledge that if I were to give in, it would be totally over.

Please, Consumer Gods, I don't want to be addicted to another internet phenomenon! I don't want to contribute to the destruction of the print industry by starting to rely on an evil-ly convenient, handheld mechanism that makes electronic reading dangerously close to the real thing! I have been here before, and I finally gave in one way or another, and now at least a third of my time disappears into the blackhole of the internet. I can't take it anymore!

So stop plastering the web with your promotions, Amazon and Twitter! I am begging you.

Sincerely,
A Tired Consumer

a cranky letter

Dear Cashier,

Hello. If you see me at the grocery store dressed like a total yuppie square, trudging around with my shopping cart at 11:00 pm in 3 inch heels, clearly I did not dress like that just to go for a midnight snack and am actually stopping by on my way home from a realllllllly long work day. And if I couldn't wait till the next day to come, it means I had to buy something absolutely essential, like water or toilet paper, which means I really don't want to be there. So let that be a sign to you next time that I don't want to be asked questions about every single item I am purchasing like, "Oh, microwave dinner, huh? So you live alone and can't cook?" "Oh, People magazine, eh? What's Lindsey Lohan up to these days?" "Why the gum? No time to brush your teeth? Sometimes I don't brush in the morning and just grab some gum, haha." OH MY GOD.

- UB